Avoiding Things that go Bump, Chirp, and Chomp in the Night

For many people, going to the bathroom in the middle of the night is easy, often pleasant. You get up, feel the soft plush carpet on your feet bottoms, the nightlight-lit hallway fully empty of living creatures except pets and family members, nothing hungrily flying through the air, even toilets that flush via handles. This must be very nice, but it doesn’t build character.


Here, we have special suits designed for keeping you reasonably safe and secure. It will make going to the bathroom in the middle of the night require a touch more effort, with the armor plating and such, but what did you honestly expect, drinking beer before bed? You will learn, or the rusty clank of your bathroom equipment will haunt your dreams.

Now, there are those who will argue that small, nocturnal geckos that eat only insects do not warrant the steel armaments to one’s legs and midsection. Perhaps there’s some level of truth to this. There are some who will say that bug spray is just as effective in keeping mosquitoes at bay as a flamethrower. That bat-proof isn’t the equivalent of bulletproof. That spiders and cockroaches, on the basis of physical mechanics alone, are simply incapable of unleashing kung-fu. There are even those who would suggest that, instead of full military fatigue and night vision, you should just put on flip-flops and turn on the goddamn light.

Well, there is a difference between bravery and carelessness.

Sure, it isn’t a fully streamlined process quite yet: the fastening and riveting and so forth. Operating an arc welder half-asleep can prove daunting. Your spouse will loathe you and the neighbors will secretly plot your demise. One more reason to suit up! Occasionally, after the half hour of preparing and clanking down the hallway, there will only be that thin line of timid ants traversing the walls of the bathroom, acting innocent, giggling to themselves as only ants can. Sometimes, you will start to itch somewhere unreachable. But remember, always, ants are clever. 

Relax, check around the toilet, and hastily make your retreat.